I can't cry unless I go there alone..... If someone comes with me I take on the position of "caretaker" and I can't release somehow.
Even when the person that accompanies me isn't even related, I still feel like a "caretaker"... Maybe when I am alone I feel that no one is watching me and I can be emotionally honest.... or maybe when I am alone I feel (after a while of becoming present) that it's just her and I. Every time it is different. It was different this time...different because I chose a day to go when it was clear that I was already emotional, and different because HE was there with me. He wanted to be there. I didn't realize that I wanted him there until he was beside me... I felt everything, and then I felt nothing... I couldn't find the part of me that needed to scream, cry, drop to my knees, talk, feel, be. All I could do was hold onto him and listen. And that was enough.