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Aug 31, 2011

I KNEW NOW WHAT I HAD SO MUCH WANTED TO KNOW. The face of Frederic while he made love to Francoise and the voice of Frederic in the night with Francoise. I knew how he caressed her and I knew how he was with her. I knew it was different from the way Frederic was with me. I knew that he still desired Francoise and I knew that he loved me. And so, I could let him go free; I could give Francoise back to him if he wanted her, and yet I would know that I was not rejected and excluded by him. should he not be happy now that he had all he wanted? Wasn't this the only thing to do? And when his desire for Francoise would begin to wear itself out, wouldn't I have my Frederic again to myself entirely to myself?
     Both of them loved me; it was again as in my childhood. I was there between them, petted, caressed. They didn't in any way resent my being there. I didn't separate then; they had nothing to give up because of me. And in return they covered me with caresses and kisses. Why was it that the hand of Francoise continuously came back to seek me as thought to reassure me that everything was well, that Frederic loved only me. That everything else was only physical?
    I kept telling myself that I did not need or want to be reassured by her. That I knew perfectly well everything was fine. That I didn't have any fear of Francoise. She shouldn't have to worry so much about me; Frederic was there; his mouth was on my mouth. Francoise didn't look at me as though she were afraid of hurting me because really, I was happy. The body of Francoise had a troubling scent, a penetrating scent that pleased me, and the mouth of Francoise-it wasn't the mouth of Frederic-it was so soft, the mouth of a woman. It was like strawberries, like honey.
    Frederic-I knew his well. There was nothing more for me to discover in him. Frederc-that was the black pelt in which I hid my face. It was the strong, hard arm that encircled me and hurt. There was the voice of Frederic in my ear, with words that I hardly understood, crushed, crushed as I was against him....
    And I roll in the night of the bed; I roll in their arms, in their caresses. I roll in the midst of lighted candles and Armagnac in crystal glasses. I roll in a sea whose waves lift me up and will drown me.
    But wasn't Frederic there to save me? I was going to drown! Fredrick! But he was far, so far from me. Frederic! Help me! Help me! Where was Frederic whose thigh was against my thigh? Where was Frederic whose arms encircled my body? Where was Frederic whose mouth was pressed against my mouth?
    I hide my face in the black pelt of his chest. This was, if he comes back he will not see me weeping.

 - The Dangerous Games

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